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A Conversation with My Permanently Comatose and Soon to be Ex-Girlfriend

Hey baby, how are you? Sorry you’re in a coma. Your parents are outside in the hallway deciding if they want to pull the plug.

Man, I’d love to be a fly on the wall of your brain right now. What is going on in that pretty little head of yours? I can’t believe they shaved your head. I’m assuming the doctors shaved it. Unless you were shaving it in the car and that’s why you crashed.

Your mom said this was all part of God’s plan. Your mom is so fucking stupid. She’s—I don’t know if you can hear her outside—she’s telling your dad now about Terri Schiavo. Like that’s helping her case. Your dad’s gonna win, I can tell. They’re going to pull the plug. Your mom is really fucking stupid. I hope we can be honest about this kind of stuff now.

This has been really hard for me. How long do I have to keep pictures of you up around the apartment? What’s the etiquette for pictures of deceased loved one? You were always the one who knew things like the appropriate length of time to wait before throwing away pictures of other people’s babies. Can I just keep them in a closet or do I have to display them prominently in our apartment? I’ll probably have to get them framed now.

I don’t have to wear black all the time, do I? I think that’s an old thing. I saw it in the Godfather. I don’t even have a black suit to wear to the funeral. You know I can’t just wear off the rack. I’ll have to get it tailored. That’s gonna take a week at least. For a black suit I probably won’t wear more than once a year.

I mean, I’m only 30. If I was 75, sure, buy a black suit, all my friends would be dying all the time. They have insurance for people that go into comas, but not for the people that have to buy suits for the funeral. You understand, this is the kind of injustice you always fought against with that nonprofit thing you did.

What about dating? How soon is too soon? Maybe I’ll start a blog about it, ‘Windy City Widower.’ Can a man be a widow or is that for women? This has all been really awkward for the girl I’ve been having an affair with. I guess we can talk about that now that you’re in a coma. These post-traumatic relationships never work out. I’ll probably be all alone. One day you have two girlfriends and the next day you’re a lonely widow with a blog.

Oh wait, your father’s coming in. Oh boy. He has a look on his face. He’s got a pull-the-plug kind of look going on with his face right now. I don’t think he likes me. I better go. Well… sorry about the car accident. Good luck I guess. You should get a wig for the funeral.

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